Who’s Not

Written By: Joseph  Antretter

All the Who’s Whos who came to Who’s Who Hampton loved summer a lot, but the Who Isn’t who lived year round just north of North Sea, did not. He hated it all- the whole summer season, if you want to know why, there are plenty of reasons. It could be the planes flying over his house day and night, or the fact that parking spots were nowhere in sight. But the most likely reason of all was wherever he went, the traffic was reduced to a crawl. But whatever the reason, the crowds or the flights, the Who Isn’t sat on his front porch, hating this sudden urban blight.

Now in years past, the Who Isn’t knew just what he’d do, to deal with the hubbub from all the Who’s Whos. He’d hunker down in his basement bunker and fill it with booze. Right before Memorial Day he’d go to the liquor store and next door for beer, knowing that summer was soon to be here! And on the way home he’d pick up Dan’s Papers and skip thru the ads to see what was what with Who’s Whos and what they liked to do.

He gleaned from the pictures of all the Who’s Whos that it seemed what they liked too were the very same things as me and as you! To eat and to drink and to feast! Oh! how the Who’s Whos they just loved to feast!!! But they’d feast while do-gooding, they’d feast feast feast!!! as long as the proceeds went to the least!

Now since this story has turned rather snarky, I’ve noticed that the Who’s Whos have their own hierarchy. There are Who’s Whos from the political class, and those that are only famous for the size of their ass! And then there are others who are known for their views, and still others yet that spew out very fake news!! But those that are king of the hill, the top of the heap, are those whose followers act just like sheep! They are the Who’s Whos from totally holier -than -thou Hollywood. They’re here to tell everyone else what is good, for you or for me, just not what’s good for them, don’t you see? They tell all the Who Isn’ts and all those Who Have Nots that they should have even less, while they preach from the decks of their yachts! That what everything everyone else is doing, it’s the planet that the Who Isnts and Have Nots are screwing! And yet they seem to forget while they fly on their jets that they use a thousand times more than everyone else gets!!!

Now while the Who Isn’t was in his basement bunker drinking, well, the Who Isn’t got into some really deep thinking! He knew he and the Who’s Who elite would never ever meet, but thanks to social media he could send them a tweet!!

It was then the Who Isn’t got an idea—–the Who Isn’t got a wonderful, awful idea!!!!!!!!!

He knew just what he’d do!! He thought of it quick! Why, a retweet from Donald’s Trumpet would make them all sick!

So, he retweeted and retweeted till twitter got sore, so he got suspended for 12 hours, and more! It was then that he went to log in to the blog at 27 East, a blog where his opinion was liked

in the least. He’d post and he’d post and give them all hell, but alas he was suspended from there as well!!

Since now he figured freedom of speech was no longer free, he would enter Dan’s Papers 6th annual raise the rent contest and paid them their 25 dollar fee! He knew that to have even the slightest of chances, he’d have to change his positions on all his Who’s Who stances!! All of the snark he’d need to delete, and write the literary equivalent of kissing their feet. He’d fill it with p/c and all kinds of lies and by doing all this the Who Isn’t surmised, he could probably win a Bullshitzer Prize!!

But that was something the Who Isn’t just wouldn’t do, because he writes about what he believes to be true, and besides he wanted the crowd at the John Drew Theater to all cry Boo- hoo!!!

Soon summer will be over and most of the Who’s Whos will go away, but he, the Who Isn’t, well, he gets to stay! And he can go back to enjoying the things that he loves, like the flight of the Osprey or the coo of a dove, without all the noise from planes up above.

And then the Who Isn’t will jump into his car and proclaim to the world “ I AM RICHER BY FAR” !!!!! To live in the Hamptons means so much more, than what you are able to buy from a store! Because it is here that the simplest pleasures are greater than all the world’s greatest treasures!

And you don’t need to be a Who’s Who.
Just a little old Who Isn’t with a lot of who’s not.