The Peace in My Spirit
The Peace in My Spirit By Romilda Rivera The peace within me is the privilege of being able to go on my evening walks down Beach Lane. The evening walks down beautiful Beach Lane on the East End where just this morning the sweeper trucks passed to pick up any and all road debris in preparation for the exorbitant amount of luxury cars that will ride on this peaceful wealthy street filled with Grand Estates. The street where as I walk this evening I am surprised with the view of the deer that skips in front of me across the road to another home where it will rest and hide from the invasion of the city, up islanders and foreigners visiting. Beach Lane the beautiful road where I have had extensive conversations with myself and God. I invite God to hold my hand on these peaceful summer walks that begin on Beach Lane through Dune Road and back home. My extensive conversations with God on my evening journeys are approximately 3 miles long. I converse with myself, God, welcome the advice of the universe and the natural elements on occasion. I ask questions as I look up at the sky and look at the sun as it is preparing itself to set amongst the dark blue waters. I look deep inside my spirit, my soul and ask, “How do I find courage, inspiration, strength and faith”? My search to discover who I am and my purpose in this life has become extremely challenging at times. The severe sobs can become so exhausting on my nightly walks. Looking within oneself can be frightful at times. I occasionally pause at the bridge before Rogers Beach and take a deep breath. As I look out over the bridge I can see a family approaching on a luxurious boat, the ring of the engine is loud on this quiet evening. The children wave hello to me. I immediately wave back as I welcome them to what I call my home and at that moment I immediately think of how blessed am I to be able to witness a family in laughter and joy in my neighborhood. I have a great sense of appreciation; I step away from my pause. My walk continues, I reach the beach, take off my walking shoes, leave them at the entrance and approach the water. The feel of the sandy beach on my feet, through my toes is a bit chilling as the cool night is approaching. I watch the water and it is rough and choppy, looks angry for some reason. Maybe some child disrespected the waters today and the ocean is not happy. Possibly some parent lost themselves to work on their electronics and forgot their child was in the water. The ocean was forced to embrace the child, protect it and calm its wave in order to keep the child safe, now the ocean is venting its anger. I take it all in as I feel the ocean air is having a healing effect of my mind and body. Something about the waves mesmerizes me and enchants me, so much so I am afraid, I must continue my walk and conversation back home. I take a deep breath as now I prepare to jog and dance on my continued walk. Now behind the ocean air and the chatter of the children and families leaving the beach I can smell the freshly landscaped grand estates where the trees are in bloom and the flowers are romanced by the evening air. Flowers I view are generous in numbers, blue hydrangeas, pink lilies, white gardenias so vibrant in colors, so vibrant they are fluorescent; the vision speaks of a beautiful summer romance. Romance! I think of, on my walks as I sob with a heavy heart due to loss of love. Lost love I think of as I reminisce of my past lives. Oh the sins committed due to loss of faith, ego and pride. Who was I? Every day I come close to unveiling on my nightly walks who was that woman I so desperately needed to suppress, hide. Why the shame? I stole, cheated, lusted and much more, I am human. The Lust was the best one I think as I still crave the touch of that man’s soft hands, gentle, tender hands, he possessed. His scent was exhilarating, exciting and it aroused all senses in my body that just made me feel alive. His taste was pure deliciousness. Oh my Lord! How I crave that man, how I crave to touch, smell him and taste him on my starving lips. I would love to do that forever. How I so desperately need to move forward from that overwhelming need as I fight my spirit every day to ignore it for if I give in to it, it will destroy my spirit once again. I am still walking, wondering how things would be if he was on this walk with me, would he join me in my conversation with God. I wonder as I approach the bridge back home and I witness the young girls laughing sitting on the bay which is their back yard. I think of their life of innocence and privilege as they giggle about a love affair, I am sure! I continue to walk and imagine the life of that love affair. There are valuable lessons unveiling themselves on this journey. God has humbled me, as I think of my past lives and all the things that I have done that I am not proud of, I must say my evening walks have enlightened me to who I am today. I wake up on my knees in prayer and go to bed on my knees in prayer as I am thankful for all of my experiences, gifts, blessings, family, all of it, even thankful for the loss of love as it has taught me the value of love and how important it is to cherish it. It is such a precious gift that I was forced to see. It is a present from God that must be protected and nourished. Love of all things is my true peace, love of life, love of a mother, father, daughter, partner, ex-husband, sister, uncle, aunt, nephew, niece, cousin, friend, co-worker, employer, work, dancing, music, art, laughter, passion, health, home. Love is the peace in my Spirit. I sit in my humble home where everyone is welcomed, my family, friends and all those that I love as long as the negativity is left at the door. When I feel the torment of the past I go outside to my backyard. I sit on my patio with my daughter’s youth bible, my hot simmering cup of coffee and enjoy the aroma of the fresh bread baking with a scent of bacon in the background as Beach Bakery is serving breakfast and the aroma travels to me. I hear the village whispers in the background as the visitors and residents talk about what’s happening tonight, what should we do? Where should we go? That is when I am reminded of the greatness of my blessings as I take a moment to escape and I feel like I am on vacation. This is what it is truly like in my humble home, the feel of completely being on vacation, relaxation, calm and though the town may be crowded, the bakery line is out the door, the local restaurant has reservations well into next week and all of the village parking spaces are taken you still feel that relaxation is forced. The thought of rushing anywhere is non-existent. I may no longer be sitting outside that Grand Master Estate I use to own, with no bible, no peace. The place I use to sit and instead of enjoying the village chatter I would obsess about a leaf in the pool, pollen sticking to the deck, upset with gardener because my garden was not nourished, the tennis court not serviced, the paint on the house chipping, the overall maintenance of the property and the housekeeper were all the things I was obsessed with. I sat at that master estate in anger and despair and now I sit outside my humble home look at the beautiful greens, my beautiful lawn that looks like a miniature baseball field surrounded by enormous, healthy red, pink, white roses embraced with white and pink lilies. My spirit is not consumed and overtaken by frustration or anxiety. My only worry is keeping my peace, remaining in faith and humbleness. Today I continue to mourn for the woman I use to be as I celebrate the woman I am today. Through the heavy heart of lost love still lies the peaceful spirit that is courageous. My peaceful spirit lives within me and resides in my charming Westhampton Village home with my daughter and God. Come and visit me some time.