Hamptons Ninja

Written By: Bonnie Fair

Last weekend we were at a local Hamptons hang having dinner and the TV in the restaurant was tuned to “American Ninja Warrior.” If you’ve been living in a cave the past few years “ANW” is a jaw-dropping competition where folks have to complete a series of obstacle courses designed to test the absolute limits of your body and mind. These courses kick butt. Everything from hand-over-hand tire swings to mountain climbing and log rolling above pools of water. The competition began in Japan as “Sasuke” and morphed into American Ninja Warrior this side of the Pacific. In the show’s 8 years on American television there’ve been only 2 overall champions who made it through the finals in Las Vegas. The finals are the ultimate endurance test—taking it to the Mountain or “Mt Midoriyama” (after the Japanese model). But before that anyone who enters has to compete regionally. Only those competitors who finish A) within the time limit and 2) without falling into the water get to move on.

So many places in the U.S. seem to be jumping on the American Ninja bandwagon, from Baltimore to LA. Each obstacle course is designed differently for each city or region, and I was thinking… why not a Hamptons Ninja Warrior? Mixing some of the established Ninja moves with a few of our own.

Here’s a sample (The actual sanctioned ANW moves are marked with * )

 

Obstacle 1:  The Newbie

One of the trickiest of the Hamptons Ninja Warrior’s tasks. Maneuvering in and around summer drivers who haven’t been behind the wheel in about 6 months. Slow, oblivious… generous use of turn signals, often when the road curves … usually from New Jersey…

Obstacle 2:  Left-Hander

Attempting to make a left hand turn. The Hamptons Ninja is faced with one of the most difficult (some would say impossible) obstacles in the course. Forget DEFensive this requires OFFensive driving, along with a tactical mind and nerves of steel. A death wish doesn’t hurt…

 

Obstacle 3:  Grass Steps

For the QUAD STEPS* the American Ninja must jump across 4 platforms angled 45 degrees around a central water pool and jump to another platform at the end. 2 feet wide and 20 feet long. For the GRASS STEPS the Hamptons Ninja must jump, walk, sometimes stumble in heels through a grass field RAIN OR SHINE under a tent that measures 20’ x 30’ while balancing a cocktail and hors d’oeuvres, maintaining eye contact and exchanging witty repartee… (open to all genders although women tend to gravitate to this particular obstacle)

Obstacle 4:   Salmon Ladder*

A time-tested classic on ANW. Ideally suited for the Hamptons Ninja Caterer…  swimming upstream, climbing that ladder rung by rung, hands on the bar. Xtra points for running both the salmon and a tray of martinis through a Hamptons crowd…

 

Obstacle 5:   Bar Hop*

The Hamptons Ninja’s got this…

 

Obstacle 6:   Big Dipper*

Often follows Obstacle 5…

 

Obstacle 7:   Paddle Boards*

This obstacle causes widespread “paddle panic” among the American Ninja who have to run across the paddles without touching the center axis. For the Hamptons Ninja no panic, just a new craze. Requirements:  one board, one paddle, calm water and a hot bathing suit… an obstacle with no time limit.……

Obstacle 8:    Rolling Escargot*

When the Hamptons Ninja loses his (fancy) lunch…

 

Obstacle 9:   Getta Grip

Borrows from the ANW’s IRON GRIP* but unique to the Hamptons Ninja Warrior. Competitors face off in a wide range of situations… queue jumping, butting, barging/avoiding head on collisions with spontaneous lane shifters/clueless weekenders on bicycles (“it’s not a road it’s a country lane…”)… Sunday 6am chain saws/deer hopping and more all designed to leave you hanging from that ledge…

 

Obstacle 10:  Cliffhanger*

What the Hamptons Ninja faces every Labor Day…

 

Summer in the Hamptons.

Cowabunga, dude.