Birdhampton Grill Master
(3)
An aside: the Hamptons Lawn Ornament Museum collection includes lovingly restored Madonnas in upturned porcelain bathtubs, politically incorrect little Black grooms to take the reins of one’s carriage horses, faux Greek and Roman heroic nude figures cast in “marble chip enhanced resin stone” and hand painted folk art including an outstanding “Momma Duck with Chicks” that was used as the model for the Big Duck on Route24 inFlanders. But, I digress. Back to the flamingos.
Wouter and Sweetpea had positioned three life-sized cement flamingos weathered into a pale pink in front of a stand hydrangeas The Squire explained to his increasingly fidgety granddaughter that the casting mold for these flamingos was the same one used to make the birds for the Royal Garden at Versailles where they amused the Queen. Until, of course, that fateful day – September 14, 1768 – when Herself had chosen to wear pink. Seeing her pass the cement flock, a freshman courtesan was overheard to say, “Mon Dieu, pink looketh good uponst fowls but maketh Herself’s caboose look like a peasant’s cabbage cart.” Naturally, he was executed.
“Gampa, wots exeecooted mean?”
“Dead meat.” Gampa said as he watched the daughter-in-law carry out a platter of burgers and Nathan’s finest, “Dad, I wish you wouldn’t say things like that to her. Show her the bird feeder. Call when you put these on the grill.”
“Yes, gorgeous. No problem.” So, still in charge of the art critic and, now, the meat. Life was getting complicated.
“I wanna see hummin’ bird.”
“Well,” the life member of the Audubon Society replied, “We’ll have to wait.”
“NOW! Mommy…”
“What’s going on out there?”
“She wants to see a hummingbird.”
“Well, show her one.” The cheerfulness was evaporating out of Sweetpea’s voice.
“Wazzat?”
(4)
“A Bluejay. See the blue feathers. Interesting bird, Bluejays.” Birds fascinated ol’man van Grompet. He watched the Jays bully an American Goldfinch and a Tufted Titmouse. Real nasty streak in Bluejays, although it wasn’t a surprise.
The cabal of evolutionary paleontologists now states for a fact, that today’s birds evolved from dinosaurs. The Jays screeching at BirdHampton’s feeder system were, in a previous age, St. Bernard sized carnivores with short tempers and long memories. The DNA of a bully. But, they didn’t bully Black Capped Chickadees. Cute little flying dinosaurs. Amazing!
Invariably, the first question everyone asks upon being apprised of the dinosaurs to songbird evolutionary trail is what bird evolved from Dinoland’s King of the Hill…the Big Kahuna…numero uno…Tyrannosaurus Rex.
The answer, it must be said, always contributes to the widespread skepticism about the theory. The most bloodthirsty vicious creature – other than humanpholk, of course – to trod the earth, Ol’T-Rex has become – believe it not – the little Black Capped Chickadee, with the distinctive cap being a yarmulke.
That’s right: The top of the food chain in one age has become the timid little Jew in another. Times, they do change. But, evolution having the genetic memory it does, there is just a tad of T-Rex DNA in the Chickadee. Just a tad, but enough.
Squire van Grompet had, indeed, noticed that the rambunctious Jays never screeched at or chased Chickadees off the feeder. Although the Squire couldn’t understand their screeches they used to be largely anti-Semitic. But, no more.
Once upon a time, seems that a yarmulke clad Chickadee named Saul was getting the ugly business from the Jays and raised his wing and said “Enough already.”
The Jays thought this was hysterical, the little Jew-bird talking back to them. “Har, har, har! Whatcha gonna do about it my little Chickadee? Har, har” To be fair, one of the Jays did a pretty good imitation of the humanpholk W.C. Fields.
Saul had heard it before. Many many times. He repeated himself, “Enough already.”
“Har, har, har! You gotta big beak, Har, har!”
(5)
